The Jerk Apologizes

I feel guilty about a lot of things.
And as my attention-deficit brain come up with absurd pathetic excuses to match my reckless decisions in life, it dawned on me.

I must be serving some kind of corporal punishment or something like that.

My boss tends to over-share most of the time. One time she showed me a picture of her late husband and that was just one time of the many times I receive confirmation from fate that I still am in the same emotional vessel I am in for months now. You may think that it's some kind of bump in the head that caused me to think absurd things such as the uncanny resemblance of their physical attributes. Well it's not, and they really looked alike according to the boss. Given the thirty plus years age gap, they would've not looked alike when the late husband was in his age. Uncanny that I have to see this in this particular time.

I have a crush on some barista in our local coffee shop. And yes, the resemblance once again.

I am in Hades.

I am not a virgin to this state of mind. You see him everywhere. On the boy who wears his shirt on a Monday morning on the way to school. Amidst the sea of people riding the train, you see him beside you giggling as you both take pictures on your camera phone. When sometime you stroll the mall and see the arcade you went in once, and you knew it belongs to the both of you. You see him in the lips of the people you date. And sometimes if seeing is not enough you begin to hear him too. In the songs played in the radio, the lyrics served in the boom speakers of public transportation. You hear his words echo from the past. You sometimes resist the urge to associate him with...everything. You feel guilty for tasting him in the lips of your date. Closing your eyes hard, and try to feel his hand, closing it even harder, trying to re-construct the image of his face instead of the genuine person in front of you.

Man, maybe I really deserve this corporal punishment.

And I feel angry for being this kind of person. I should've kept the hurting and not share it with others. It's not like I intended to do just that. Must I have thought more?

I used to think that life is about these kind of things. I sometimes hurt people unintentionally, and I am too sometimes will be hurt unintentionally. And it's what makes us stronger most of the time. It's really up to us what comes out of these things. I still think that life is about this.

I cling to these bits of emotion I still have. But I refuse to linger on it. I am happy just knowing I still love. I choose to move on but it doesn't mean I don't love him anymore. Your decisions you can make, but love is something you won't be able to harness into your own liking.

I am guilty for a lot of things.
I apologize for a lot of them.
I redeem myself by being in quarantine on commitments.

I will enjoy this corporal punishment and turn it into an enjoyable exile.
Of being single.